Saturday, January 25, 2014
Down the Rabbit Hole
Some days I feel ok and some days I don't. Today I don't. I feel like I am hurtling down the proverbial rabbit hole and I can't stop or find a purchase on the walls that would steady or slow down my free fall.
There are days when I feel feisty and think I can take on the world. And then there are days when the tears roll non stop down my cheeks.
There are days when I feel worthy and days I do not.
There are days when I can cope and days when I cannot.
What makes the difference I wonder. Why is my life not consistent? If I feel ok one day why don't I the next? Is it hormones? Is it that life slows down on the weekends so thoughts creep in that don't when I am busy?
I'm still trying to make sense out of what happened so suddenly - Michael's departure. I think that because it was not a mutual decision and that I thought things were good between us that his leaving is so hard to deal with. He can cope because he made the decision and disappeared from my life just like that. I'm left holding the mess and I can't get a firm grip on it because, well because it's a mess.
So the only thing to do I guess is to get busy. Lord knows I'll never run out of things to do in this half-renovated house.
I'm not looking for sympathy, more so just for understanding that among the good days there are still really crummy days.