Saturday, January 25, 2014

Down the Rabbit Hole


Some days I feel ok and some days I don't. Today I don't. I feel like I am hurtling down the proverbial rabbit hole and I can't stop or find a purchase on the walls that would steady or slow down my free fall.

There are days when I feel feisty and think I can take on the world. And then there are days when the tears roll non stop down my cheeks.

There are days when I feel worthy and days I do not.

There are days when I can cope and days when I cannot.

What makes the difference I wonder. Why is my life not consistent? If I feel ok one day why don't I the next? Is it hormones? Is it that life slows down on the weekends so thoughts creep in that don't when I am busy?

I'm still trying to make sense out of what happened so suddenly - Michael's departure. I think that because it was not a mutual decision and that I thought things were good between us that his leaving is so hard to deal with. He can cope because he made the decision and disappeared from my life just like that. I'm left holding the mess and I can't get a firm grip on it because, well because it's a mess.

So the only thing to do I guess is to get busy. Lord knows I'll never run out of things to do in this half-renovated house.

I'm not looking for sympathy, more so just for understanding that among the good days there are still really crummy days.

27 comments:

  1. livingrichonthecheapJanuary 25, 2014 at 12:06 PM

    I know that feeling. I was previously in a 10 year relationship that I thought was going well. It wasn't and it wasn't my choice that it ended. It felt like that for a long time. It honestly felt like someone died. I was a mess. One foot in front of the other was the only way I could cope. Vent anytime.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Believe me I understand. And I am not going to tell you it gets easier because it doesn't it just gets different. You have every right to have bad days and to be angry. Just remember that you didn't make this mess so do not put any blame on your plate. We are always here and to talk and vent and scream. You are in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You have been through a major life changing event. You have every right to be angry, etc. It is part of the human emotional cycle. You are a strong woman with a strong support system. HUGS

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh Honey, I feel for you. You have every right to sit and cry and be angry and confused. I have been really surprised by how well you seem to have taken this, but I know you are a wreck a lot of the time. All I can say to comfort you is that I care and you are a strong beautiful woman, you will make it. You will make it or i will come and kick your butt.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Remember when he left......you suffered a loss.
    We all need time to mourn a loss.
    This year is a BIG year for you.
    No more work, no more Kazi, no more Ont.(this might be a good thing?)
    It will be hard to let go and jump into the unknown .
    Take your time .

    ReplyDelete
  6. My situation is different but I know exactly what you mean. There are days when I feel like I'm suffocating... But I try really hard to put one foot in front of the other and hope for a better day tomorrow. Hugs, my friend!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Of course you have good & bad days, Jane! People would wonder if you didn't! lol! You need time to absorb everything... things will look up one day, hopefully sooner than later! You're an incredible woman and in my not so humble opinion, he let go of a one of a kind woman! ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  8. Keep your chin up, things always look better in retrospect.

    ReplyDelete
  9. you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel the ups and downs. You just need to take your time getting past the pain. As Carla said, "things will look up one day."

    ReplyDelete
  10. Jane - sometimes it isn't about "one day at a time" - it's more like "one foot in front of the other!" There are many of us who have thought things were going well and then the bottom of the world dropped out from under us. It doesn't make your pain less but know that there are those of us who really do understand. Take the time you need and take care of yourself!

    ReplyDelete
  11. You are in mourning...we don't follow the 'rules' when we are feeling grief.
    It's normal to feel the way you do. You are normal..well,as normal as you ever were!!!
    Jane xxx

    ReplyDelete
  12. I totally get what you're going through because I've been there. And I have days even now where I feel deflated and overwhelmed. Useless, even as I try to forge my way in an economically depressed demographic. But, I press on and even though my foot slips sometimes, I'm still firmly grounded on a solid foundation that nobody can move. And I do this alot .. "goin' to my happy place, goin' to my happy place, yup.. goin' there now."


    You're awesome. You'll get through this. I wish you weren't so far away.

    ReplyDelete
  13. So sorry you are going through this. I would think it was more the unknowing that is eating away at you. I would be feeling the same way trying to figure out what happened, and not getting any answers. Time does heal. I'm hoping it doesn't take too long for you! Hang in there!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. ((hugs)) jane. I used to work as a marriage counsellor and we know that the person who initiates the breakup copes better because they have already been through the doubts, anxieties, fears and grief as part of coming to their decision. So by the time they announce it they are already well down the track to adjusting to the change
    The person who doesn't initiate the breakup usually had no idea it was coming. It hits like a bolt out of the blue and suddenly their world has changed with no chance to prepare. So for them the grief, anxieties and fears then begin and they are at a totally different stage to the other person.
    It's a roller coaster for a while. Just do whatever you need to do to get through each day ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thanks Louise - that describes the situation to a T! It helps me understand why I'm feeling crummy while Michael seems to be doing better.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Yes, it was so sudden and I was not aware he was planning to leave.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I wish I wasn't so far away either. You always have good advice and don't mince words. Which is what I need. Only 153 more days!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thanks for the levity - what the heck is normal anyways? I've never really led a conventional life :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thanks Barb; I know I'm not alone. :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. I know, thanks. I just things to be "back to normal" but I have to figure out what "normal" will look like!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Thanks for the ego boost Carla, it really helps.

    ReplyDelete
  22. The only thing I know for sure is that I will retire in June. Hopefully as the months go by my plan will become clearer. Thanks Barb.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'd love it if you came and kicked my butt! :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Thanks Rachel, thank heavens for you folks - it really helps a lot!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thanks, that's what I'm making myself do - one foot in front of the other. My dad used to say you have to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps". There's always something to do.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for your comment - it means a lot to me that you read my post and are leaving a comment - you just made my day!