Living with Adult Children

My 20.5 year old daughter, Kazi, just left to go write her first of several final exams at UWO.  She has successfully completed three years of her French degree. One more year at UWO, then teacher's college and she'll be on her way to total independence.


At least, that's the plan.


I don't know (yes I do) who is having a more difficult time with her transition to adulthood and subsequent independence - me or her.  Yes, it's me. I am really struggling with this. I've come to the conclusion that when our children go to university they should really GO to university - to live as well as study. Having one foot in university life and one foot in your parent's home is an uneasy balance at best. At times it is downright awkward and at others kinda scary and tense. 


I think I could manage a whole lot better if I didn't know what time she is coming home at night or even if she IS coming home at night. Can you believe that a month ago I grounded her (an adult) because she didn't let me know she was spending the night elsewhere so I found her bed unslept in when I was getting ready for work the next morning. What's even more unbelievable is that she went along with it and stayed home for a week. She thought is was ridiculous but did it to appease me. It was the only time I've ever grounded her in her entire life. 


To help support herself she has taken a new job as a server at a university club called Jack's. She loves working there because a ton of her friends from school hang out there.  So does she when she's not working. One day last week she told me she got home really late (like 4am) because there had been an incident outside the club and the police were talking to her manager so they couldn't leave. Yes, apparently some guy outside the club was waving a gun around. 


I didn't know what to say. I knew I couldn't say what I wanted to say which was QUIT THAT JOB RIGHT NOW OR ELSE, so I just said I'm glad no one was hurt blah blah blah. 


In my head I've come to the point where I know I can no longer impose my values and lifestyle on her but it is still so hard to bite my tongue when I KNOW I know better than she does about certain situations. I've been doing a lot of research lately and keep reading that at this point in our kid's lives we can only "offer advice when it's solicited" or "pop in a leading question when the opportunity arises" but when it comes right down to it they are going to make their own decisions...they HAVE to make their own decisions, right or wrong, good or bad. 


This is the process, called maturation (or learning from one's mistakes), that we all have to go through...the true rites of the passage into adulthood. Trying to protect them from "life" only slows down or inhibits the process. The tough part for us moms and dads is watching them stumble and fall knowing that if they'd only listen to us we could save them from so much pain and hardship.


Huge sigh...


However, this was not meant to be. I have to keep reminding myself of all the idiotic and risky things I did at her age and realize that if it wasn't for those harsh life lessons I wouldn't be the strong and (somewhat) wise woman that I am today. 


More to come.......................................................................................... .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................